There are two types of conversations – “Talk to” conversations and “Talk with” conversations. Which type do you bring to the conversations?
“Talk to” conversations begin with a mindset (belief) that what I have to say is more important than what others have to say. The approach is to “tell” more than “listen.” When I do listen “I am listening for ways to correct or add to the conversation, instead of asking questions to further understand the other person.
When I am in a “talk to” conversation I have an agenda and I use prefaces similar to these:
- I think …
- I feel …
- I want …
- You need to …
- If I were you …
These conversations include giving unsolicited opinions and attempt to sway others to your way of thinking. When you can get others to go along with you, your position is validated.
People who have “talk to” conversations want to be right, they project (vomit) their opinions all over you. They “one-up” and want the last word. We tend to stay in friendships that tolerate and accept these types of conversations.
“Talk with” conversations begin with a mindset (belief) that what the other person has to say is more important than what I have to say. My approach is to be more interested in what they have to say. I use prefaces like these:
- What do you feel …
- What do you want …
- What do you like …
- I wonder …
- I am curious …
- How would you …
- Tell me more about …
These conversations are based in a curiosity mindset. You want to sincerely know how another person thinks and feels about something. Not with a hidden agenda to pounce on them when you disagree or to correct them. It is not intended to take what others say and begin gossiping about it.
People who have “talk with” conversation are accepting, tolerant, patient, curious, sensitive, compassionate and understanding. They nod in the affirmative as they keep eye contact and intently listen.
The BIG question – Which conversation style tends to develop more intimate relationships, the “talk to” approach or the “talk with” approach?
What you believe will determine your approach to conversations. People who initiate “talk with” conversations have beliefs similar to:
- What others think of me is none of my business.
- What I think of others is none of their business.
- Everyone is doing the best they can with the prevailing awareness they have in the moment.
- They are curious about what could have happened in a person’s personal history that could cause them to feel the way they do or say what they say.
- It is better to agree to disagree.
- I don’t need to have the last word.
What are some other beliefs that would foster more “talk with” conversations?